Peace. Blessed, blessed peace.

It's official: I am convinced that the kindest thing a father can do for his wife is to take the children to his parents' for the weekend.  And if he REALLY wants bonus points, make it a three-day weekend.

I have begged Matt for YEARS to do just that, and I don't know if the pleading finally wore him down, or if having the kids a bit older made him a little braver, or if God was just smiling on me that day, but last Friday around 4:30 PM I waved a sad-faced good-bye (for their sake, of course!) to a silver Mazda headed to Ohio for a three-day weekend.  And then I came inside, looked around the house, and wondered what I had done!  At first it was odd.  I'm not sure why, since I have the opportunity to be home alone four mornings a week while the kids are at school.  Maybe it's because being home alone in the late afternoon is unheard of, or because I realized I had more than a three-hour window all to myself.

I then did what any mother would do when left to her own devices:  I did the dishes.  I'm not sure why a clean kitchen was first on my priority list (maybe deep inside it was because I knew I was basically banning cooking for three days???), but it was.  And then I headed over to my good buddy Alicia's house to scrapbook.  All work & no play makes Jenny a dull girl, right?

For the next three days, the only place I left the house for was church.  I cleaned, I sorted, I thought, I watched what I wanted on TV, I ate a doughnut for lunch, and my wardrobe consisted of either pajamas or sweatpants.  When I cleaned something up, it stayed that way.  It. was. glorious.

The strangest discovery of the entire weekend was how much I LOVED the silence.  I blasted Pandora Radio at times.  I watched several episodes of "Clean House" on Netflix while folding laundry.  I toted my iPod & speakers around the house.  But when the music stopped or the show ended and the silence began, I just let it be.  In fact, even now, as my family is asleep in bed & as the only sound is the keyboard I'm typing on, I'm amazed at how much I love the sound of nothing.

This is very odd for me as an extrovert.  I love people.  I can be quite loud.  A "quiet & gentle heart" is one of those Biblical attributes that I think is SO lovely, but maybe too difficult for me to ever attain.  I thought maybe being married to my very introverted husband for almost fifteen years was wearing off on me.  But after thinking on it, I think I now understand why the silence and time alone was such a "refueling" time for me.  I'm sure part of it is simply because I'm a mom, and those "alone" moments are few & far between (especially if you get to be HOME alone!).  But even more than that, I think it's because I'm the mom of a child with special needs.

I love motherhood.  It is a million times harder than I ever imagined, and it has delighted me more than I ever knew possible.   Our road to parenthood was not as we expected, though it is very evident where God had prepared Matt & me to foster & then adopt our children.  But I never understood the challenges of raising a child with special needs.  It draws resources from me that I never knew I had (or even existed!).  It often shows me sides of myself that I'd rather not see.  It has even (dare I say it) made me question if we truly sought God's desire for our future when choosing to accept this child into our home.  Don't get me wrong for a second:  I love my children, all three of them, more than life itself.  I love watching how their individual personalities mix their genetic backgrounds with the oddities of their environment to create this crazy, amazing, unique tapestry that is our family.  And yes, I know that God chose each of these children for us, and He also chose us to be their parents.  For better, for worse, for years of therapy they face to make up for all of our mistakes.  :-)  But man, it's hard.  I question myself dozens of times every day.  Am I pushing too hard?  Am I being too laid-back?  Am I gathering the proper resources to give my child every chance to succeed in life?  Am I praying enough?  Am I yelling too much?  Am I laughing enough?  Have I said "I love you" lately?  Should I investigate a new dietary plan?  Are the medications at the right dosage?  Would it be better if we lived in a neighborhood with more kids?  Do I need to be more intentional with building social skills?  Am I assertive enough with the educational team?  Am I too overprotective?  On and on the questions come.  It's a never-ending barrage, both within myself as well as between my child & me.  But for more than 72 hours, I was free from all of it.  No worries, no concerns.

So last night, around 6:30 PM, reality returned to our home.  There were giant "welcome home" squeezes, adventures with their Mamie to be told, and hugs & kisses & giggles at bedtime.  They were excited at our shiny, uncluttered house (yes, it's true!), and I was proud that I was able to create a better living environment so that I can spend more time with them and less time taking care of stuff.  And I know that when life feels extra busy and I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going, maybe I just need to sit down and soak in the silence.  God will speak to my heart as He refills it.  It's a beautiful reminder of His constant presence and guidance.

So I'm forever grateful to my dear husband, and to my wonderful in-laws who took amazing care of my family (as always!), but also to the God who never leaves me alone & who provides rest for my soul in ways I never imagined.  Peace, blessed, blessed peace, is truly a beautiful thing.

The Proverbs 31 Woman...During the 2011 Winter Storm

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than salt.
Her husband has full confidence in his own ability to drive through the treacherous weather,
and in his wife, who lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, though some nagging to shovel the sidewalk
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and fleece
And shoves it on her children's appendages with eager hands.
She is like the salt trucks
clearing the roads from afar.
She gets up while it is still night, to make sure the power didn't go out;
she provides food for her family that doesn't need electricity to cook
and wishes she had female servants to prepare portions for!
She considers a snowblower and buys it;
out of her earnings she invents IceMelt.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks (as she hopes her back is!).
She sees that her CraigsListing is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night (thank goodness!).
In her hand she holds the Kindle
and grasps the mouse with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the pathetic little children
and extends her hands to their needy little whines.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in Snuggies.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in washables & not dry-cleaning only.
Her husband is respected at the water cooler,
where he talks about the Big Game among the elders of the land.
She makes cute little homemade things & sells them on Etsy
and supplies the merchants with unique ideas.
She is clothed with strength & dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful and repetitive instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and in her idleness she eats any bread she can get her hands on.
Her children arise and call her blessed...when she makes them the french toast they've requested...
her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting (and often expensive);
but a women who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at her own front door!

This loose adaptation of the honorable Proverbs 31 woman was written after hearing word that the kids were out of school for the fourth day in a row!